


Untitled

by BinBingBong



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Feeling Dump, Gen, Trigger warning: Feb 29th
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 09:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24468880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BinBingBong/pseuds/BinBingBong
Summary: And just like that, all his dreams and ambitions came tumbling down and all we could do was watch, helplessly
Comments: 12
Kudos: 7





	Untitled

**Author's Note:**

> [This is purely a work of fiction]
> 
> Ahem,  
> I wrote this in bits and pieces , whenever I was feeling strongly, and in one case, drunk feeling , I picked up my phone and typed furiously. Feelings are hard for me to express of it's not through writing hence I decided to write this. This by no no means, an implication or anything, just my feelings, anger, sadness and depression in words 
> 
> I made it anonymous so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable, and I don't know how the reaction to this will be but whatever fuck it I'm just gonna post it anyway, I'm no stranger to writing extreme sad things.
> 
> Since this is Anon you can leave Anon comments and if you wanna talk let's talk in the comments, I'll try to be comforting, no judgement. I've been doing such to a few friends and Lord knows we all know how much we all need comfort these days.
> 
> Once again, this is just fictional feeling dump.  
> That's all.
> 
> Unbeta-ed. Because this was written between tears and hazy mind, there's probably tons of mistakes but I don't wanna read and correct.

This is Hongbin.

I would like to sincerely apologise to my members and fans who have been with me for a long time……

Hongbin put his phone aside, took a deep breath and left the room, closing the door softly behind him.  
The manger was still sitting patiently on the sofa in the lobby, he looked up at Hongbin when he came out and Hongbin nodded  
"I sent it, you can tell them" He whispered, hands clasped in front of him. His manager gave him a nod and gestured to him to come. While the man talked on the phone they both got in the car and drove away. 

When Hongbin got out of the car, his manager called his name. He turned around, and replied "yes?" 

"No, nothing. Good night" the manager shook his head and smiled a bit, Hongbin didn't smile back and walked inside the building.

He was so tired, and numb. He doesn't put his shoes in their correct place, or hang his jacket properly. For once he doesn't care at all and throws himself on the bed. Begging sleep to take him, for his mind to not torture him- just for one night. He wants to sleep, and not think. Just Tonight.

Hongbin woke up groggily at the sound of his phone ringing. He rubbed at his eyes , trying to clear his vision before picking up the phone. Strangely enough, it was Taekwoon who was calling. Hongbin looked at the wall clock. It was 5 AM, not long when he went to sleep and ended his stream. 

He dialed Taekwoon back, and ignored the notification badge of missed calls for now.

"Hyung?" He asked when the call answered.

"Hongbin, what the fuck!" Came the abrupt and loud reply. Hongbin's eyes widened, why was Taekwoon suddenly shouting. What happened? 

"Hyung?-  
"What did you do,punk!" Taekwoon's voice carried anger and even though Hongbin hadn't been on the receiving end many times, he could tell Taekwoon was furious.

"What happened?" He sat up straight, still confused. His head was spinning, headache threatening to break through. Maybe he shouldn't have drunk so much.

Taekwoon gave a laugh, although without amusement "You're really unbelievable, this kid"

"Hyung I'm genuinely confused-"  
"Check NAVER and then answer your fucking calls!" Hongbin gaped at the phone, when the call was cut. He slid the notification bar and it read 65 missed calls.

"The hell" he muttered

After checking it was countless of calls from his manager, Sanghyuk, Wonshik, Taekwoon, his CEO, several people from the company and some unknown numbers that looked oddly familiar.

So he got out of bed and opened his computer. He wasn't sure what Taekwoon wanted him to look at NAVER but he didn't have to look any further when his name "Hongbin" was clear and rising in the Top 10 search country wide. He felt his stomach drop and even from before clicking the name he knew- he just knew that he fucked up. 

"Hongbin's not picking my calls" Hakyeon said tiredly into the call. Wonshik sighed, rubbing his temple. His manager stood at an arm's length, patiently waiting until Wonshik was done with the call.

"Welcome to the club hyung, he hasn't been answering mine for 2 months now" 

"What?" Hakyeon exclaimed, "who else isn't he talking to?"

Wonshik bit his lip, contemplating whether or not to tell the leader. He knew Hakyeon would worry, hell he would blame himself. "He isn't answering at all hyung. Only Sanghyuk talked to him once." Hakyeon went silent, so Wonshik continued "none of us have seen him for weeks"

He heard Hakyeon take a deep breath before the leader spoke "Ravi, I— can't...I can't come right now; but please, Check on him Wonshik. He–- I read his letter from yesterday. He needs us" the leader said, thickly and Wonshik let his head hit the back on his chair. 

"I'll try hyung, he won't– hasn't talked to me but I'll try. I have to go now, take care hyung" the rapper whispered, ending the call. His manager gave him a sympathetic look. Wonshik shook his head, he could feel the headache coming

"Hyung," he addressed the older man "can we...can we reschedule, I can't–-" he felt a hand on his shoulder and a pat. His manager didn't say anything, but left the room. Wonshik appreciated it, he needed some time. He looked around his office, the place he built for himself. He never felt more stranger in the place before.

He picked up the phone, and pulled up his kkt with Hongbin. Countless messages were left on read. He knew Hongbin was reading, just not replying and that brought a little assurance. He typed a message and sent it off, adding to the list of dozen others. 

Then he remembered the edge and thickness in Hakyeon's voice and dialed Hongbin's number. Once, twice—- after the fourth try he gave up. He was tired, but he couldn't rest. He was so tired and everything was going to hell. 

"SHUT UP!" Hongbin shouted, raising his voice for the first time during the whole conversation. It was taking a lot for him to just keep standing, to not fall on the floor and break down. It was 11, and he was tired; Wonshik wasn't helping. 

The rapper was among the countless people who knocked on his door that day. 

"Your name is still in the trends! It's still in the top 10!" Wonshik shouted back

"What should I do! What can I do,tell me Wonshik how I can fix it because I don't know how!" He hated how his voice broke at the end , hated how Wonshik noticed.

"Stop acting like this, stop being so reckless. Can't you see you're hurting only yourself! You ruined yourself Bin!" Hongbin flinched, his throat thick and dry. He hated how Wonshik was right, he ruined it, ruined everything. 

"You're right, I'm the only one who got ruined today" he said bitterly, averting his eyes from the older standing in the middle of his lounge "You already said how you felt, you already cleared yourself by being righteous and apologetic to you fans; now leave me be. I'll suffer for my actions myself" that wasn't what he thought of Wonshik's Instagram post when he saw it but he was so close to breaking down and he hated for the older to see it, to feel pity when Hongbin deserved none of it. So he said, voice as harsh as he could manage without giving the fakeness away "Please, get out. Leave Wonshik" 

He completely missed the look on Wonshik's eyes, the tears wetting his eyes and the heaviness in his steps because he had turned away and shut the door to his room. The photographs on the walls rattled by the force. 

"How's the legal case going?" Sanghyuk asked, chewing obnoxiously loud on his chicken, eyes still on the screen.

"I don't know, shouldn't you be updated more; it's your company" Wonshik joked, but Sanghyuk didn't laugh instead kept chewing. 

"I haven't seen Kong in months" the makne whispered after a moment of silence. Wonshik only hummed, guilt settling in his bones. He hadn't seen Hongbin even from months before everything. "I can't figure out if they put him on hiatus to punish him or did he put himself on a break to punish himself" 

"It's more likely to be the second option" Sanghyuk nodded, "he's too stubborn, he never listened , he won't start now" 

"I'm worried for him" the youngest yawned , throwing his legs on the coffee table."I feel so bad, for leaving hyung to deal with it alone'

Wonshik sighed "At least you tried to held Hyuk, " the guilt settled once again and Wonshik wanted to scream "he probably hates me" 

The youngest didn't respond, but clamped a hand on his shoulder. For some reason, it wasn't comforting at all.

-:-

"I'm freezing out here,hyung," Sanghyuk whined, "I'm not lying, it's cold," Sanghyuk lied.

"Please open the door, people will think I'm some weirdo," no response,

"Please?" He repeated cutely, no response. Who was he kidding...

"Hyung, let me in; it's fucking late and ... I'm worried about you" 

Sanghyuk whispered, he knew Hongbin was listening,so he slid down the door and sat with his back pressed to it. A mirror of how Hongbin was silently sitting on the other side. 

"You haven't eaten in days, I know you don't have anything in your fridge" he said, if only for the sake of saying something, he knew Hongbin wouldn't open the door. The older thought he was being silent, but Sanghyuk could hear the sobs, muffled as they were, he could hear them all.

"I know you won't listen, you never do" he whispered, head resting on the wood "I wish you would talk to someone, anyone, your sisters, grandma-" a pause, it was starting to get cold "I wish you would talk to me"

"I don't blame you hyung, none of us do. I hope you know that, I'm not good at all the talking stuff but please Hongbin, you don't have to punish yourself, it's been 8 days," Sanghyuk pushed himself up, dusting his clothes and whispered one last time, enough to head "you don't have to take it all alone." and left.

Hongbin opened the door to reveal Chansik, standing on his door, beaming like his usual self. He said Annyeong, Hongbin didn't reply, just led them inside and cleared the couch to sit down. 

"I've been calling but you're so rude to me," Chanshik was saying, already in his kitchen and opening the cabinets like he owned the place. But then again he came over so often, he was familiar with everything, "I even brought chicken as a bribe yet still you pay me no attention," he made a mocking hurt face and Hongbin couldn't help but roll his eyes out of habit.

"I went to see Baro hyung today, and he was having this meeting—" and the other man kept talking as he pulled out plates and arranged the glasses on the coffee table. Hongbin knew Chansik was doing it to make him feel better and he didn't want a reply anyway, so Hongbin kept his eyes closed and listened to his friend talk about his week. It wasn't interesting, but another voice after days of silence was somewhat comforting.

"I was playing Overwatch last night—" Hongbin involuntarily winced at the name, he had no idea why, and if gongchan noticed, he didn't say "and I was this close to opening the last stage, then someone started pounding next door so loud I got startled," 

They ate lazily, the TV playing a random channel that neither paid attention to. Chansik kept talking and Hongbin only hummed or nodded when necessary, he knew his friend didn't expect a conversation from him but he still felt guilt drowning him like a tidal wave. Every few days, for the last few months Gongchan would come over and spend time until they both were sleepy and worn out and Hongbin hadn't said it, but he was silently thankful for him. If not for him, Hongbin would have drowned in his own depression, staring at the white ceiling and listening to the same music over and over again.

"Wanna play a few rounds?" Chansik asked, and Hongbin tore his eyes away from the screen. He hadn't been paying attention to what the other was saying at all. 

"Sorry, Chan, I'm just–"

"It's fine," Chansik smiled, he didn't mention that each time he offered to play, Hongbin would refuse or ignore. He didn't mention how unlikely it was of Hongbin and he was grateful for it.

After the silence stretched too long and the TV was playing commercials, his friend, for the first time asked "did you talk to anyone?" Hongbin inhaled, teeth abusing his lip. No, he hadn't talked to anyone, he didn't answer any calls or opened the door when someone came. He didn't do anything beside eat and sleep. His phone was somewhere probably dead, un-looked at in days. His laundry piling up and dishes unwashed. But he didn't have the energy to do anything, he slept all day yet he was still tired. One look in the bathroom mirror showed him how bad he looked, how dark his eye bags were; how he looked ugly and wrinkled, how much he hated hims- and he had punched the mirror. It broke so easily, shards flying everywhere. When Hongbin bled, he didn't care. When Hongbin fainted, he knew no reason but he didn't care, when he realized he had constant headache, he didn't care, he didn't care he- 

"Hey," Chanshik's voice came softly, and gently cutting through the fog and Hongbin blinked, realized he was crying. But it was too late, because someone had seen him, someone had seen him cry for the first time since everything but he didn't care anymore. He let himself be pulled in his friends arms, let himself be hugged, his face pressed to Chansik's chest and then, he let himself cry. 

The bell rang for the third time and Hongbin kept staring through the screen. Taekwoon was standing , head thrown back at the walla nd his eyes closed shut. 

Hongbin knew Taekwoon knew he was staring, but neither said anything. And when Hongbin saw the tears slip out of taekwoon's eyes through the screen, he turned away and refused to acknowledge the tears brimming at the corner of his vision. 

Just when he was about to turn around, Taekwoon whispered, but enough for the speakers to pick up, "I'm sorry, Hongbin, I'm so sorry," and left. 

Hongbin didn't understand why he would apologize. If anyone should apologize it should be him,

When the company called, he answered, because of course he did. He had to, no matter what he wanted, what the executives wanted, he was still VIXX. 

No matter what fans wanted, a ugly part inside him reminded him.

It was nothing more than a stock meeting, Hongbin didn't even care why they bothered to call him. He didn't own any personal stocks, unlike Hakyeon, Taekwoon or even Wonshik. The only stocks he was concerned with were the ones all six of them had on their name. 6% , belonged to the six of them. 

He sat in silence and head lowered the whole meeting, very well aware of the eyes on him. They could all go to hell for all he cared, but he couldn't ignore the eyes of his members. He dared not lift his head to see, because he wasn't sure he wanted to know what their faces would tell him. 

When it was all and done, and he had quietly avoided the jab of an executive when he said, "some of our artists have been useless, it's irresponsible. If we utilize them all we can have a better score for next month," he knew it was aimed at him. No other artist in the company was jobless. 

He snuck out of the meeting room as quick and discreet as he could, desperate to leave the building without being noticed by anyone, God forbid his juniors. But he didn't make it that far before he was being pulled roughly into a corner. He didn't struggle, because it was useless. 

Jaehwan dragged him until they were both alone by the roof stairs and fixed Hongbin with a gaze that tore through him with each passing second. 

They didn't say anything, but Hongbin didn't have to lift his head to know Jaehwan was crying . His tears were wet and shiny on the floor. 

"For god's sake Hongbin, you're so weak, haven't you been eating?" That wasn't what he expected to hear and somehow that concern hurt even more than being cursed would have.

"You're cheeks—," his hyung whispered, hands coming to caress his face, he dared not lean into the touch, "there so sunken, are you not sleeping, you look like an alien, all round and sunken," Hongbin couldn't help but snort at the comparison.

"You're so mean, Hongbinnie," Jaehwan complained, whinny, gone the concerned hyung-tone, "you don't even play with hyungie anymore," and wrapped him in an embrace.

They stayed like that for God knows how long and a part of Hongbin felt like, maybe just maybe he can still have it back, the love and trust. Because, god, it was Jaehwan hyung, he knew— no matter how much he didn't want to give himself the satisfaction, he knew Jaehwan would never hate him, because it was Jaehwan. 

Hongbin melted in the hug, and Jaehwan didn't say anything but kept embarrassing him. For a while, they pretended everything was okay. 

"Hongbin," Jaehwan started but Hongbin knew what was coming, sonhe pulled away,

"Wait, Kongah, listen—" 

"No hyung," he shook his head and ran down the stairs. He didn't see his hyung sink on the floor and weep until he couldn't anymore.

[HOT—NEWS]

"VIXX Hongbin, to star as Lee Jae-ha in the new crime-thriller as supporting cast, the drama is set to air ok December 16th, 2020"

It had been 6 months since he last saw Wonshik, last talked to Hakyeon or Taekwoon. It had been 8 months since he last had a public appearance. 

He shot the drama, with his head down and voice silent. It was a big role, barely had 3 minutes screen time each episode. But it was something, the fans were satisfied, it was enough.

[VIXX Ravi announced enlistment. To enlist in the army on 2nd February.]

It was a sort of farewell party, they were all well aware by now that enlistment didn't mean distance. They would see each other often enough but Hakyeon had still enlisted the five of them go to a bar and have drinks 

It was well past midnight and Hakyeon was most probably drunk, Sanghyuk just close to and Wonshik was passed out on the chair. Only Taekwoon was in some of his senses but even he kept swaying in his seat. Hongbin had volunteered to be the Go-To driver for the night. He didn't say that the thought of alcohol and drinking made him sick to the stomach, and the others didn't ask.

Fortunately for him they didn't ask much at all. They were all very normal with him, it was just Hongbin who still felt guilty and uncomfortable with them. But they hadn't said anything when he didn't talk too much, it was unlike him to be quiet, but he wasn't who he used to be so…

"Binnnnniee~" Wonshik slurred, reaching for another bottle of soju. Hongbin absently picked it out of his reach, not bothering to look up from his phone.

"Give meeee" he whined, Hongbin ignored. 

"I need beer!" The rapper announced standing up suddenly and Hongbin caught him just in time when he came tumbling down. He sighed, this wasn't what he signed up for. Laying the older on the couch and started unlacing his very expensive and very ugly shoes. 

"You said we will do it together," it was whispered, if anything, but Hongbin still heard it. 

"You said," Wonshik's voice came muffled from the cushions,"you said we will enlist together," 

Hongbin let go of the older's feet like he had been shocked. 

"You said, we 'll do everything in life together but you left me," Hongbin sat down on the floor, Wonshik wouldn't remember in the morning. How cruel he was, he would forget, and leave Hongbin to feel all of it, to remember all of it, how cruel…

"You don't like me anymore, you said you loved me like your own brother," 

Hongbin didn't know what made him say it, but he replied, silently, "And you said we were soulmates,"

"I did," Wonshik giggled, completely drunk and beyond the realm of sense or reality, "we're soulmates, born of the same root but different leaves,"

Those were Hongbin's words, he described the two of them with those words in an interview. "But you're so selfish, you keep drowning yourself in misery and guilt and think you're being selfless," Hongbin wrapped his hands around his knees and buried his face between them, ignoring the way his heart was being pierced.

"You're so selfish, you don't care about hurting us, so selfish," Hongbin knew what Wonshik was saying, but the words cut nonetheless. And because the ugliness had taken over his heart and mind, he refused to acknowledge that Wonshik was hurt and needed him, instead, he chose to believe Wonshik hated him. It was better like that. 

Wonshik hated him. Wonshik had to hate him, so he didn't have to hate himself.

"You're giving me your Xbox?" Sanghyuk asked in disbelief, squinted his eyes in suspicion, "Why?"

"Just," Hongbin tapped the box and shoved it in Sanghyuk's hands ," I've been planning to buy a new one and didn't want to throw it away, so I thought why not give it to you," Sanghyuk looked at him, with calculating eyes but dropped the topic, whether it be that he believed him or sensed that the older didn't want him to ask further.

"You're not buying a new Xbox," Chansik said, tone accusatory, Hongbin shrugged, plopping down on the couch beside him. 

"You haven't touched the thing in months," Hongbin shrugged again, "and you're giving me your steam account and it whatever–," he pointed at the boxes "–is in these boxes,"

Hongbin raised an eyebrow at his friend, the soda can on his lips,

"Why?" The other boy crossed his arms on his chest, 

"Why what,"

"You know what,"

"I just don't want it to go to waste, all the things in the boxes is things you can use so they won't get rusty,"

"Hongbin,"

"Chansik, please," he pleaded, closing his eyes in silent pleading. "Just, don't ask me questions,"

"You don't play games anymore Hongbin, I am concerned, it's been a year and a half,"

"I just don't feel like it," he added as an afterthought, "I don't want to remember," 

At this Chanshik looked taken aback, but his friend didn't ask him anything more the rest of the evening. Hongbin ignored the concerned glances and kept his eyes on the movie in front.

Hakyeon wandered idly in Hongbin's small apartment, he hadn't been here often so he was still unfamiliar with it. It didn't matter, Hongbin was moving out.

Both Hongbin and Sanghyuk had passed out on the couch after hours of boxing and packing but Hakyeon wasn't all that tired. He traced a finger on the spines of Hongbin's small book collection. All of them were his study books.

There was a picture of his family on his bedside table, and school supplies. Something was odd and Hakyeon tried to point a finger at it but failed. Hongbin's room was the same as it always was; clean, tidy, and white. A bed, a wardrobe, a table for his studies.

Hakyeon looked around and found that the odd thing was his computer system, it wasn't in his room. Last Hakyeon was here, was 4 months ago and he hadn't seen Hongbin's room then.

Hakyeon silently closed the door behind him and looked at the youngest members passed out on the couch. He smiled fondly, his heart filling with a happiness he was accustomed to but never had enough of. 

Opening the second door he sat foot inside. It was by definition a store room, boxes, spare furniture and stuff inside.

There were numerous things there but only one thing caught hakyeon's eyes and made him stop in his step. 

It was covered by a white sheet but Hakyeon knew what was under it. He took a tentative step and pulled the sheet aside. Tears started forming in his eyes and he felt his chest tighten. Suddenly the air in the room wasn't enough and Hakyeon felt like he was being suffocated, by guilt and pain. He put a shaking hand on the CPU of the computer system, then traced a hand on one of the monitors. It was dusty, if only a bit and Hakyeon wanted to scream. He wanted to scream and run outside and hug Hongbin. He knelt on the dusty floor and pulled the box from under the table.

DVDs, game CD's, several RAMs and other spare supplies were carefully arranged inside. He pulled the other box out and found a notebook, he opened it, not caring in the least if he was invading Hongbin's privacy and flipped through the pages. Hakyeon stopped at a page with some drawings. The page was titled, "Kongbini's merch design". Hakyeon tried to blink the tears away but they had already betrayed him and were streaming down on his face. 

He stayed there for what felt like forever, couching the small Hongbin's plushie pillow to his pillow, feeling like it was his world that was turn from him and not Hongbin's.

"Are we done, got everything we need?" The makne asked Hongbin dusting his hands on his pants, glancing around the empty space.

"Yeah," Hongbin nodded, slowly, Hakyeon swallowed. 

"What about that room, did you empty it?" He asked, carefully, his voice wavering, pointing towards the other room,

Hongbin turned away sharply, "yeah, there's nothing much there, I sold it with the apartment," and walked out in quick steps. Sanghyuk followed, not sparing another glance at the apartment.

Hakyeon didn't move until the youngest called out to him, he left the house, closing the door, his eyes not leaving the white door of the room that they were leaving behind, the countless goals and ambitions locked inside, and the dreams of the little boy who only wanted to follow his passion, gone forever.


End file.
